


the last one home

by sebfish



Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Introspection, M/M, Overdosing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-01
Updated: 2016-11-01
Packaged: 2018-08-28 11:32:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8444212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sebfish/pseuds/sebfish
Summary: Here's the thing about possible universes: it's pretty much impossible to know how well things are going until after the fact, and the only thing you can really do is just keep going and hope for the best.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Something Corporate's "Wait", which was giving me a huge amount of Kent Parson feels and partially inspired this story. This story was about 80% introspective feelings and 20% me realizing I'd sort of structured the first paragraph and seeing if I could echo the structure in the others because I'm actually a huge nerd about poetry structures and this isn't poetry but it kind of works.
> 
> Check Please belongs to Ngozi, this is unbeta'd so all mistakes are mine.

Here’s the thing about possible universes: there are always going to be ones that are worse and ones that are better, and there’s really no way to know which one you’re in. There’s always going to be a universe where everything goes right and you don’t spend weeks in someone’s guest room in a city that isn’t home, feeling so very lost when you should be on top of the world. There’s a universe where both of you go through the draft together, and even if you end up thousands of miles from each other you have ways to bridge the gap and it’s not as lonely as it could be. There’s a universe where somehow, improbably, you end up on the same line again and it’s like everything you ever dreamed.

But the thing about possible universes is that a universe where everything goes right means that there’s a universe where everything goes horribly wrong at every point.

You think about worst possible universes and universes going wrong, about every step missed and every time you were just a little bit too late for it to matter.

You think about finding him collapsed on the floor like someone had cut all his strings, the bright scatter of pills on the floor and the brighter twist of panic in your throat as you dial for help for shaking fingers.

Here’s the thing you don’t realize: you were too late to stop him but not too late to save him, and even if he stopped breathing for a short terrifying moment on the way to the hospital, at least you were both in the ambulance and the paramedics were able to revive him.

This was never a universe where you found him, later, silent and strewn across the cold floor and nothing you did was enough to bring him back.

So maybe there are varying degrees of worse, and the one you live in isn’t as bad as it could’ve been.

 

 

 

Here’s the thing about possible universes: somewhere there’s a universe with a boy with blue eyes who smiles at you like you’re the only thing that matters in his world. Somewhere there’s a universe where you show up to a party with a far flung hope and an offer to do anything to get him back and he says yes and you sneak out early the next morning with a giddy feeling in your chest like sunrise.

But this is not that universe. In this universe he tells you no and you bite out harsh words that you regret as soon as you say them but your heart has been full of ragged edges for years now and if you can make him feel even a little of it maybe it will be enough.

But it’s not enough because you always loved him too much, even when it hurt you, even when it meant tucking the broken pieces of yourself away and pretending your fingers weren’t bleeding from the sharp edges.

Here’s the thing you don’t realize: there’s another boy who’s as bright as sunshine and who has a heart big enough for the both of you, and maybe it’s not the universe you would have chosen but it’s the one you’ve got and maybe it’ll be enough.

Maybe he finds you, later, sitting crumpled on the back porch and trying to find the strength to pull your pieces together enough to leave, and he reaches out a hand to you. Maybe you end up sitting for hours, hardly talking, until the night is still and quiet and you’re feeling a little less lost. Maybe you give him your number and tell him to text you and he smiles like the first rays of sunrise.

Maybe it’s not the universe you wanted, but it’s enough.

 

 

 

Here’s the thing about possible universes: there’s a universe where you and Jack were never separated, where you ended up playing together and living together and retiring together and never thought to question anything. There’s a universe where you found him again at the party and he followed you across the country and the two of you slowly stitched the broken pieces of yourselves together and found something whole again.

But the thing is, sometimes the universe being exactly what you wanted isn’t the best thing. Maybe it’s been difficult and there’s been times where you wish the road was less full of potholes, but you’re starting to feel like maybe this is where you were supposed to be all along.

You don’t really think about possible universes anymore, because the one you have is working out pretty well for you. Maybe the road wasn’t easy but these days living in this universe is better than you ever thought it would be.

These days, waking up in this universe means that some days it’s you and your cat and some days it’s you in a hotel room but some days are special and those are the days you live for. Those days you wake up with two boys in your bed and you love them so much that you can hardly breathe with it.

Here’s the thing about possible universes that you know, now: every other universe only had you and Jack, but in this universe there’s another boy as well. In this universe he texted you a few days after that fateful party and you texted back and somehow, impossibly, you became friends. This universe means that he and Jack started dating, of course, but he slowly pulled you and helped you and Jack start to talk to each other again.

This universe means that you and Jack weren’t just mended but better, you and Jack orbiting like stars around Bitty because as much as you shine he’s the center of gravity that holds the whole thing together. This is the universe where he kissed you, soft and warm like the first blush of spring, because he will always be braver than you could ever be. This is the universe where he pulled you and Jack in and said _I want you both_ and it felt like coming home.

This is the universe where you ended up with everything you ever needed, and maybe that’s the best ending of all.


End file.
